Nelly Snooper: Horrible Fanfic
by iPepsi
Summary: This story is horrible. You definitely shouldn't read it. But curiosity is sure to get the best of you. A true Mary Sue wears her nametag proudly. Laughter is forbidden.
1. Prologue

**Warning: **A sense of humor is required beyond this point.

**Nelly Snooper: Horrible Fanfic**

**Prologue**

"Good morning class," Miss Briggs greets the students as she enters the classroom.

Groans are exchanged throughout the room as they notice she is holding bagpipes. They are interrupted by an unfamiliar girl walking through the door.

"Well, I was going to play my bagpipes this morning, but instead I have to introduce you to the new student," Miss Briggs explains bitterly.

"Oh, that's alright, I can introduce myself," the new girl announces proudly.

"Go on, enlighten us."

"My name is Mary Sue. My parents are John and Jane Sue. They're both lawyers. We moved here so I can dramatically invade the lives of Carly Shay, Fredward Benson, and Samantha Puckett."

Miss Briggs grunts.

"That's enough, Mary. Grab a chair and park it."

The day conveniently zooms by so Carly, Sam, and Freddie are meeting at their lockers to walk home together.

"What do you think of Mary?" Freddie asks curiously.

"I think you two should hook up so I get jealous and realize I love you," Sam suggests.

"I think she should stare at me obsessively during French class and try to become my girlfriend," Carly recommends.

"I think she should outsmart me in AV club until I start to slit my wrists," Freddie reasons.

Mary Sue overhears their conversation and steps in.

"Purely amateur. I can do you all worse. Just you watch."


	2. Chapter One

Freddie barges through the door of the iCarly studio where Carly and Sam are waiting to start a rehearsal. He is holding a neon green sheet of paper and fighting off the urge to shred it into pieces until the girls have the chance to look at it.

"Here, take this and look at it quickly. Just holding it makes my stomach twist into knots like a boy scout earned his badge inside me."

"Mary Sue is starting her own web show?" Carly bursts out, completely shocked.

"Who cares? The chick's only been here a week," Sam replies, uninterested.

Freddie sighs as he lets himself fall into the last empty bean bag chair.

"I overheard Mary talking. You know how she said in class that her parents are both lawyers? Well, her dad's expertise is entertainment. That means he might be able to bargain with the famous people he works for to appear on her show."

"Shouldn't a _smart _entertainment lawyer be down in LA snatching clients like LiLo?" Sam questions.

"Lily Lowzer doesn't need a lawyer, only rehab," Carly explains while shaking her head.

Freddie jumps back up from his chair in frustration.

"Can we focus on the issue, please?"

He snatches the poster back from Carly, crinkles it up, and tosses it square into the nearest trash can.

"Yes, your head is abnormally shaped, we know," Sam declares as she stands up in anticipation of starting the rehearsal so she can return downstairs to where a pound of ham remains untouched.

"You should ask Mary on a date. Maybe if you two fall _madly in love_ then she won't want to compete for our audience," Carly suggests, moving herself up to occupy the empty space beside Sam.

"In case you can't take a hint, that means you've gotta stop obsessing over Carly or our web show is toast."

"Wrong! Mary falling in love with me doesn't mean I'll ever love her back."

"OMG Carly, he _finally _gets it!"

"IKR? Too bad he's blind to this knowledge when chasing me."

"I may never have to see Freddie stare at you with lovesick eyes ever again. That makes Mary so amazing I could kiss her!"

"Delay your hunger, Sam. We've barely got our introduction rolling here. The story manual strictly limits the use of epic plot twists to accompany us on the rising journey prior to the climax."

"So you want me to hold up, wait a minute, then put a little love in it? Gotta love addict philosophy..."


	3. Chapter Two

"This is a disaster! Mary has only been doing her show for five weeks and is already three-fourths of the way to matching our biggest audience," Freddie exclaims as he is entering Carly's apartment for their first rehearsal of the week.

"We know, Fredwad. Nobody at school ever shuts up about it," Sam explains, clearly aggravated.

"You both need to calm down. There's plenty of bandwidth on the internet for both our web shows," Carly reasons.

"There wouldn't be if Mary had any say in it," Freddie mumbles as the three friends move from the elevator to the loft.

"Can't we just slip poison in her water?" Sam suggests, menacingly.

Carly shakes her head.

"Silly Sam, she'd react just like Jerry Trainor's hair...poison is her spinach."

"Guess it's time to call Nevel-Nub up and offer yourself to him," Sam decides.

"NO!" Carly and Freddie yell in unison.

"Geez, sensitive people! Carly, you were the one who brought it up in the first place..."

"I still think there's a chance he's gonna switch to attempting sabotaging her show now that it's becoming more popular," Freddie insists.

"As if...if you're not willing to give up your crush on Carly for Miss Prissy Little Sue then why would somebody nubier than you do it?"

"Can we get to the actual rehearsing, guys? Or would you rather stand around bickering about our competition until we have no show to air and forfeit?"

The next morning, the gang is back at Ridgeway, getting ready for another long day of classes.

"Do you see them? Are they real? Please, tell me I'm having a nightmare..." Freddie panics, spinning himself around to check all directions again.

"No, they're real alright," Carly assures, also glancing around to verify.

"When'd we get assigned new uniforms?" Sam wonders aloud, referring to the amount of people who are sporting a t-shirt with Mary Sue's face and web show logo printed on it.

Directly after Sam finishes speaking they notice Mary suspiciously appearing from the other side of a janitor's closet's door. She's wearing her usual backpack and whistling, acting as if she doesn't notice everyone's attire.

"She must be handing out those t-shirts from inside the closet!" Freddie gasps.

"And now she's out of the closet..." Carly responds with a smile, "...which means..."

"Me kissing her could have potentially ended this mess," Sam finishes for her.

"No," Carly looks at Sam weirdly, "it means you can pick the lock while everyone else is in class and steal her supply. We need you to be a criminal in this chapter, not a lesbian. Perhaps later..."

"Carly's correct, sexuality cannot be put in question during the same moments that we're plotting mischief. It's a drama overload. Never want to throw out all your good material at once."

"Whatever. Let's get to the deats about the break in."

Suddenly, the intercom comes on and they hear the voice of Principal Franklin.

"Attention! There will be an assembly beginning promptly at the sound of the first bell. It is mandatory for all students. If you are caught skipping, disciplinary action will result. That is all."

"Looks like it just got easier. With everyone in the gym, we'll have an open road to destruction."

"Too bad we couldn't burn the shirts off the people who're already wearing 'em."

"Sam! No graphic violence allowed!"

"Noted..."


	4. Chapter Three

Freddie is lying on the floor of the janitor's closet, clutching his stomach, groaning in pain.

Carly, who had been keeping guard outside the door, peeks in to check on them upon hearing the noise.

"Sam! What did you do to Freddie?!" she accuses, pointing her right index finger at the blonde.

"Chill, it really wasn't me this time. The box with the shirts in it is protected by some type of pain-inflicting shield spell."

"Oh great, now Mary Sue is a witch too? She doesn't even carry around a broomstick or wand. How rude!"

The injured boy makes a full recovery and returns to his feet.

"Her forces are too strong. We must find another way to penetrate Mary's success bubble."

"Too bad it isn't made of bubble gum or I could just chew my way through it," Sam whines.

The three web stars stay hidden in the closet for the remainder of the school day, failing to find a clearing to scurry out. By the time the last bell rings, they are asleep on the floor and fail to hear the twisting of the door knob.

Mary Sue snickers to herself as she finds her favorite "puppets" set up perfectly for manipulation.

"What's wrong with people these days? I hardly have to work for anything anymore. Where's the fun in that?"

Carly's eyes slowly start to open, coming into focus in the direction of the spy.

"Mary...?"

A smirk appears on the face of the terrorist.

"I see you've made an unfortunate misjudgment. I have friends in high places, and they've got all the power necessary to defend something as petty as the theft you three were plotting."

Carly stands up and sweeps the dirt off her clothing.

"The only pre-plotted crime here is that we've wasted so much time focusing the story on this wimpy battle against you. It's a bore when you come through wearing a name tag and showing off your perfection so bluntly. You, Mary Sue, are a fake. For the character that truly holds that title never speaks their true name and their identity's only implied for the observant ones."

"Mary Sue's" body starts to give off smoke, starting from her toes and working its way up to the tips of her hair follicles.

"Om Nom Pomegranate! Your words have burned me! Curse you for being so smart! I was the anti-Mary, and as you have discovered, this leaves the real Mary Sue still to come. Getting rid of her will not be so easy as getting rid of me, so prepare for a battle, Miss Carly Shay..."

The being evaporates into the produced smoke as Carly's two sidekicks awake in the background.

"What the..." they both question in unison, looking to Carly for an explanation.

"We've all been tricked. This whole time it was the wimpy anti-Mary causing chaos."

"Well hit me with a car and call me pancake batter...she had me thinkin' she was the real chiz."

"Guess it's time to return to the fanfiction campfire and listen to the storytellers until the next Mary Sue comes around," Freddie leads, beginning to snap his fingers to the tune of Mary Had A Little Lamb to teleport them to the campground.

They arrive just in time to hear a new story begin. Carly peeks to her left at Sam and gives a disapproving glare.

"Psst, you can't listen to your Pearpod right now! We need all six of our ears to pick up on leads."

"Relax. It's not turned on. Ya know I have a low tolerance for the stories where one of us dates Freddie and the other is suddenly jealous. None of those ever have Mary Sues because they're too busy messin' the three o' us up..."

"That's not fair. If Sam gets to tune stuff out then so should I," Freddie complains.

"Do you guys want to destroy Mary Sue once and for all, or what?"

"I could just go study hacking and computer programming until I find a way to design a button that finds and sabotages her for us," Freddie insists.

"What a fluffernutter. The net of fanfiction has no shortcuts. One by one is all the search power there is."

"Okay, we can officially stop listening to this one. I was cool with Mrs. Benson chaperoning a trip to the beach until she started getting chased by a kangaroo with a power saw because she was checking out the lifeguard that was born with an unusual stomach pouch."

"Who comes up with this chiz?"

"Only the knockiest of hobs."

"Don't you mean the hobbiest of knobs?"

"Whatever."


End file.
